So I haven't had much luck on this site. Guy A has disappeared. Phone guy who was talking to me everyday hasn't said anything since tuesday. My pen pal and I chit chat back and forth via email every few days and he's a blast to listen to.

Other than that, I've got nothin. Am I searching in vain? Part of me wants to hand it over to God and let Him make the moves. But part of me believes that God helps those that help themselves. In otherwords, I wont have an opportunity to find Mr. Right if I'm not out there making myself available.

I don't know though. The search is exhausting. I bought a card at the Dallas Museum of Art that had a great quote on it. It says, "Now and then it's good to pause in our pursuit of happiness and just be happy." (Guillaume Apollinaire) Maybe that's better advice than I originally knew.

I got two other cards as well. One says, "Love doesn't make the world go round. Love is what makes the trip worthwhile." (Franklin P Adams) And the other says, "I don't want to make money, I just want to be wonderful." (Marilyn Monroe)

They speak to three things that dominate my thoughts more often than anything else: Happiness, Love, and Money.

Sometimes for the good and sometimes for the bad.

Either way, I just have to remember to be thankful for what I do have and to keep praying.

God listens. Even when no one else is.

Peace

So here's an entry I posted to my journal on OKCupid. It's an online dating site that I am registered for and it's about the guy I met and went on a date with recently.



So remember GA (which stood for Guy A)? I went on a "blind" date with him a week ago today. Well I FINALLY heard from him. Wanna know what he had to say? I'll show you.

"Hey there,

I apologize for not having sent you a message or talked to you before now you probably think I am a jerk or something so I apologize for that. Anyway I just wanted to say that I really had a great time with you on our date and I think you are so beautiful. I would love to see you again sometime, but I also think I should be honest that I dont know what type of relationship or dating experience I can offer right now. I am sure that sounds weird, but let me try to explain. I am currently just taking one class and working non stop the rest of the time. I very rarely have any time off and when I do I have so many things I need to do like go see my family, pay bills, get haircuts, look for a new place to live, take the dog to the vet, study, write papers etc etc etc. I imagine when I am taking more classes this fall it is going to get worse. If we lived closer it might be easier but right now I am just worried that you would get frustrated with me. When I get home I am not the type to call and talk for an hour, because there is so much else I need to be doing, anyway I just wanted to you to know all this. I would love to see you again sometime, but after I got back and thought about how we seemed to click i started thinking about all this other stuff and it almost felt unfair of me to delude myself into thinking i could provide a real relationship right now does that make any sense.

GA"

Wow... it was great. You're great. BUT... I might have to take my dog to the vet so I don't think I can commit to a relationship. Ok, yes there were better excuses in there like school (and he's going to med school so it's no small task) but really? So I was a little ticked off.

Here's what I replied:

"Wow...I thought you were history. I know you're busy but would it have been hard to drop a quick "Had a good time. I'll write/call later this week"? It doesn't matter. I just let my boundaries down on our date and it was unnerving to not hear a word for a week.

I don't really know what to say about your message. But I definitely don't want to be on someone's back burner. And if I'd be taking a back seat to everything you mentioned then I don't really feel like it would be worth my time or yours. As I said pretty clearly in my profile and on our date, I want to find the man God has planned for me to marry and I don't feel like biding my time with someone is productive in that quest.

So I guess what I'm saying is that until you feel like you're ready to be fully in a relationship, I just can't let myself get involved. I fall hard and fast and I don't want to give myself the added heartbreak.

Sorry if that's not what you wanted to hear. But if what you say is true, it's not what I'm looking for. Have a great week.

Angela"


So that's where GA stands. Unfortunately, so far there is no GB (Guy B) unless you count my phone guy (who I met selling my phone on Craigslist) or my penpal (who's freaking awesome!) but I don't really think either can count since I didn't meet phone guy on OKC and my penpal isn't in the running for dating. At least we haven't talked about it. So yeah. That's my update for today. Just thought I'd let all my "fans" keep up in my relentless search for a man.


Peace

So lets see... that means that there are a few big things that have happened since then. 

The first, is really exciting! Megan and Jason are engaged! Yay! And I'm going to be a bridesmaid and Anna is the flower girl. How freaking cute will that be? 

The second is not so exciting. I had ACL reconstruction done my left knee on March 13th. I have been off work ever since. But I am doing really well in therapy and I get to go back to work on Monday! Yay! It's been nice having a 6 week hiatus but I'm ready to see my kids and friends again. 

On another note, I've "met" someone online and we seem to have hit it off pretty well. We were supposed to meet in person tonight but the tornado/thunderstorm has messed up our plans. Anyway, we're hoping to get together Saturday. I'll keep you posted as to how it goes. I'm excited though because I haven't been on a real date in a LONG time. So it's going to be nice.

On a sad note, Megan's grampa died last week. She flew out to California today for his funeral on Sunday. It's never easy to lose someone so close to you and I know it's even harder for her since she's so far from home. It's hard too for the people trying to support their friends in the loss of loved ones. What can you say? I mean, sure, I've had grandparents die, but it's never quite the same, is it? And why is it that you can't ever remember what made you feel better at the time? At least then you could have something more intelligent to say than "I'm sorry." Nevertheless, Megan and her entire family are in my prayers.

I've also resolved to write something on here more often. I always feel better when I do. So why wouldn't I do it more often? I don't know for sure. But I'm going to try. 

Thank God for laptop batteries because the power just went out here and the computer stayed on. Yay! But it seems that the internet is not working... how I am still typing this, I do not now but hopefully I can post it without having to re-type the whole thing. Anyhow, if anyone still reads this... keep checking in. There will be more!

• Junior absorbency – less than 6 grams 
• Regular absorbency – 6 to 9 grams
• Super absorbency – 9 to 12 gram
• Super plus absorbency – 12 to 15 grams 
• Ultra absorbency – 15 to 18 grams

 Ok... So it seems logical. But who the hell knows how much a gram is? If you're an American, you probably have no concept of what a gram is. I know I don't. Sure, nurses or mathematicians know what I gram is but the rest of us?? I doubt it. AND, on top of that, what woman sits around and ponders how many grams (or any unit of mesurement) her flow is??? EWWWW! It's BAD ENOUGH we deal with this on a regular basis but to have to think about it anymore than we all ready do is just criminal.

And thus ends today's random rant.

I have now seen the new movie August Rush twice. I saw it once at a "sneek preview" a few weekends ago with my parents and I saw it again tonight with my best friend. 

For those of you who know me well, my next declaration may shock you.

I love this movie more than any movie I have ever seen. That holds true for even Pride and Prejudice AND Sense and Sensibility.

At both viewings, I found myself with tears streaming down my face. I think I deserve a little credit though because at my second viewing I didn't start crying until 20 minutes or so after when I started crying the first time. And I also didn't cry with as much intensity the second time. Megan asked me why I cried so hard at a movie whose general outcome is a cheeful one. Initially, I couldn't really explain it.

But I think I've come to a conclusion.

Connections.

It's a powerful idea, connections. As humans, our lives are determined by our connections. To our parents, our siblings, our grandparents, our great grandparents, and our friends, our coworkers, our stock brokers, our drug dealers, our therapists. Our husbands and wives, our children. Our Gods.

Think about it. When things go wrong in our lives, what is it generally a result of? A connection gone bad. A difficult parental relationship, and abusive spouse, the death of a beloved family member... or the lack thereof.

Sure there's other things that go wrong in our lives and so many of us blame others and some of us blame ourselves, some things we can't control. But still we crave a connection. 

So what do August Rush and connections and my crying have in common? I don't know. I can't say I don't have connections. I have connections to family and friends and others, even God. Maybe I should ammend my previous statement to include the word "meaningful". We crave meaningful connections. Fufilling connections. Connections that make us feel good about ourselves. Connections that allow us to make others feel good. 

I can't say I don't have meaningful connections either. I surely am infinitely blessed to have such an amazing friend by my side no matter how many napkins I cry through or how many times I get angry with her over stupid things. 

But maybe we all need a certain connection and until that connection is made, our hearts and minds are on a frantic search. For August, his search was to find his parents. Maybe I'm just lost in my search. Maybe I cried because I long so desperately to find my connection. To feel what August feels when the connection is finally made.

If you've found your connection, be thankful. If you haven't, come join the search, my friend. You're not alone.

So I went to Toni and Guy at Hulen Mall Sunday where Wyatt was assigned to me as my stylist. Anxious I glanced back and saw that the only male in the store was a tall, Hispanic looking gentleman. He had black hair with pink/maroon skunk stripes down each side. 

Dear God,
Please let me leave the salon looking like a human being and not a punk skunk.
All my love,
Angela

Then a normal looking gentleman walked into the store and back to a station, where he set down his brunch and came to collect me. I heaved a huge sigh of relief. No punk skunk for me. But it gets better. 

Wyatt, my hairdresser, asked me what I wanted to do with my hair. I told him that I was tired of my cottonball factory explosion, frissy hair and that I trusted him to do something with it. The he guided me to the shampoo chair...

I sat down and Wyatt turned on a steamy stream of warm water. "How does this feel?" he asks. Amazing, I thought. Little did I know...

He grabbed a bottle of shampoo and started to massage my head, lathering the heaven-smelling soap into my soon to be gorgeous hair. His fingers worked like magic. But it was only the beginning...

If the shampoo was the foreplay, then the cut was the climax because his hands worked with my hair and maneuvered the scissors with graceful excellence. It was amazing. He proceeded by gently blowing my hair dry and styling it with the same finesse. It was as close to a sexual experience as I've been in... well... too long I suppose.

Then I woke up from the Harlequin romance in my head and told him that I worked at the YMCA and If he came in on Monday when I worked, I could sign him up for a membership (which he was thinking about doing anyway).

And he came and I did.

I miss my grandmother. And I remember that I miss her in the strangest ways and at the strangest times. Like tonight, while watching the movie "No Reservations" with my Megan. Abigail Breslin's character is dealing with the death of her mom throughout the film and at one point she runs away to her mother's grave. When her aunt finds her, Abigail says, "I'm afraid I'm going to forget her." I started crying. 

I cry a lot these days. And for no apparent reason. I don't know if it's just because I'm a compassionate person or if I'm truly going insane. Too much time alone in your own head will do that to you. And since I find myself with a shortage of people to talk to, I usually am talking to myself. I cried last night because I felt like I could relate to the Phantom of the Opera's pain and longing to be loved. It's like that for all unfortunate creatures. 

For who could ever love a beast?

I feel for the beasts of the world. I understand their pain. Why bother to love when love is never returned? Sure the Beast got his Beauty. Then he turned into a handsome prince... But what about the Phantom? My heart literally aches for him. He loves Christine with his whole being. Gerard Butler does an amazing job portraying his agony. Must love be so painful? I suppose that's the downside to being compassionate. Those of us who wear our hearts on our sleeves so often end up losing out shirts. And our hearts along with them. 

What becomes of the broken-hearted?

But I suppose all is not lost. No matter how disfigured I feel, there are two things that do not change. My eyes and my heart. My eyes are the window to my soul and my heart will always beat, so long as still I have something to cling to...

Hope.

Despite my better judgment, I've decided to pour my heart out here for a second. (After all, that is what a journal is for right?) 

Ok... so it's been over three years since I went on my last date. And sure, I've had a few guys I could have been interested in but recently, I've fallen totally "in like" with someone. I guess I've been "noticing" him since... before Christmas but I've only recently started to really crush on him. (No. I will not tell you who he is. If you call yourself my friend, you probably already know anyway.) I've decided that I was only interested in the previous guys just because it's been so long since I've really liked anybody.

But this guy... he's not like the rest of them. And my reaction to him isn't like the one I get around the previous fellas. I anticipate seeing this one. And my heart beats really fast when he's around. And when he's on my mind, I have a hard time focusing on anything else. Don't bother talking to me because I wont hear you.

Here's my "problem": I just don't know what to do with myself. It's like the whole thing is brand new. PLUS! My confidence level pre-Anna and post-Anna are drastically different. I used to be able to approach a guy and be straight with him. "Hey, I like you. Wanna go do something?" Now I sit and suffer in silence. I just can't get up the nerve to say anything. I think the confidence plays a major role in that dilemma. I also think the fear of rejection keeps me from just throwing myself out into the ring again. Not to mention that I come with "baggage." Admittedly, it comes in adorable packaging, but it's baggage nonetheless. To quote Jude Law's character Alfie (from the movie with the same name), "Never get involved with a single mom. They come with accessories, some of which can be unfortunately irresistible." It's true. Sentiments like that don't exactly get me pumping to throw my heart out there. I already wear it on my sleeve. How much more vulnerable do I have to make myself..?

Anyway, whining aside, in my deepest dreams, I hope that he figures out on his own that i have this silly school girl crush on him and then HE can make a move. Of course that's relying on the fact that he is, in all actuality, "in like" with me too. Which is NOT a confirmed fact in any way, shape or form. Hey, a girl can dream, can't she?



Cinderella said to Snow White,
Why does love get so off course?
Oh, all I wanted was a white knight,
With a good heart, soft touch, fast horse,
Ride me off into the sunset,
Baby, I'm forever yours.

-This Kiss

I need a hero
I'm holding out for a hero 'til the end of the night
He's gotta be strong
And he's gotta be fast
And he's gotta be fresh from the fight
I need a hero
I'm holding out for a hero 'til the morning light
He's gotta be sure
And it's gotta be soon
And he's gotta be larger than life

-Holding Out For A Hero

I did it folks. I finished Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. I cried. Several times. No spoilers; don't worry. But I can't WAIT until people I know finish it. I'm desperate to talk about it. It's going to make for one hell of a movie that's for sure. 

I thought it would take me a while to read it seeing as I have a job and a kid (which is like having a full time job) but I basically ignored the kid for 3.5 days. Yes, I feel a little bad for letting my kid watch cartoons for 3.5 days straight while I feverishly plowed through the final adventure in the Harry Potter saga. But I'm done. 

It's bittersweet really. For "kids" my age, we've been reading these books for the last 10 years. Ten years! The first book came out in 1997. I was thirteen! I feel like Harry Potter is the Star Wars of our generation. Now don't get me wrong, they are very different series but the phenomenon is the same. So it's kind of sad to know that there will be no more Harry Potter books. 

I suppose I can hold onto the movies for a while longer. It looks like Half Blood Prince is supposed to be out November 21, 2008. And Deathly Hallows wont be out until 2010. So I can just hold on to those, I suppose. But while I think the movies have been beautifully done, they just aren't the books. *Sigh* 

I *heart* you, Harry Potter.